Final Interview: Bush Waxes Nostalgic

‘I’m so proud of my accomplishness,’ he says

A Humor Times Special Report

WASHINGTON, DC – Winding up a month-long whirlwind tour of press interviews designed to burnish his legacy, now-former President George W. Bush seemed visibly emotional recalling his years in the White House in a session with Bill Moyers, to air soon on PBS.

“I want to thank the American people,” he says during the show, “for supporting me so unanimously, right up to the end.” When Mr. Moyers pointed out that his approval ratings have been among the lowest in history for sitting presidents, Bush replied, “Yes, and that is so thoughtful, trying to keep me humble like that, so I would continue to work hard. And it is hard work. I worked hard every day.”

Moyers’ questions were wide-ranging, as the host probed Mr. Bush on topics ranging from the 9/11 to the Iraq War to Katrina and the economy.

“As for economistic matters, I think I was able to save the country from the worst of it. You know, that Clinton really made a mess of things,” said Bush. “And as for Katrina, we did a heck of a job, as you know, flooding the area with relief.”

Despite Moyers’ attempts to get Bush to admit to some mistakes, the ex-president was upbeat. “My style is not one to wallow in the past,” he said, “and history may misunderestimate me, but reading is not my thing, so I doubt I’ll even see it.”

Towards the end of the interview, Mr. Bush began to show some emotion, and close-ups even reveal a tear at one point, which he quickly brushed away. “It’s just so great to be the decider-in-chief of the world’s greatest country, and to make great history the way I did. I know I’ll be remembered for generations, because everyone says there’s never been a president like me.”

Joe the Plumber Reports: Understanding the Israel-Palestine Conflict

Exclusive to the Humor Times

TEL AVIV – As you probably know, I, Joe the Plumber, decided to go to Israel to find out the Truth that the media will not say. This is big news, and I’m happy to report that the networks continue to report on my reporting, and that’s great, because they’re reporting some real news for once. It feels good to be in the news again, because I’m comfortable there, and that’s why I decided to get into this here so-called “news” so-called “business.”

Anyway, after a very long flight (who knew the Atlantic Ocean was so huge? Isn’t it the small one?), I landed in Tel Aviv, and immediately set to work to dig out the Truth. Well, first I got a room. Very nice, for such a backward country. And the people are darned nice too, but they don’t speak very good English. I don’t think a plumber could find much work around here either, I’m guessing they draw all their water from wells.

So, once I was settled in and took a much-needed nap, I decided to get a feel for the country. I walked around, and figured the best way to get to know a culture is by eating there. So, I dropped into a little place and they gave me something called a “falafel” and asked me if I wanted to hum “Us,” but I didn’t know the tune, so I just said, “give me some of that stuff you’re holding,” and it was this nice creamy, light-tan-colored stuff, which was yummy.

So, although I didn’t find any burgers and fries, I did manage to fuel up for the task at hand. And now, boy, am I excited to get at the Truth for my faithful American readers.

I decided to just approach people on the street, and ask them what they think. With a bunch of other reporters there, all pointing their cameras at me, it was a little hard to get any natives to talk into my microphone. But finally, I stop one, and he says “What are you doing, you crazy American?! You run up and stick something in my face? Don’t you know how dangerous it is around here?!!” Then he turned and walked off in a huff. Sheesh! Kinda sensitive around here, I guess. But I did learn one thing – they are apparently very edgy in Israel. I’ll have to be more careful.

So the next time, I manage to lose the crowd of reporters, and I sneak up on a couple of young women, so as not to scare them. But they must’ve seen a sniper behind me or something, the way they screamed and ran away. I turned around real quick, but the snipers were gone.

Finally, I’m sitting at this café place, having a beer (no Coors, but a surprisingly good brew), when a guy asks me if I’m American. I say, “and proud of it,” and he says, “That’s good. You Americans give us lots of money to defend ourselves, we like you.” So I said, “Can I ask you some questions? I’m a real reporter from America, and I’ve come to find the Truth.” So he says, “Yeah, sure.” “Ok,” I think, “now we’re getting somewhere.”
Ok, so I ask this guy, whose name is Shahed, “What’s really going on here, between Israel and the Gaza-ites? And what he said was real interesting, and I think it’s about time the American people heard it, because this guy really lives here, full time, and he should know.

“We just want to live in peace, but they’re always shooting missiles at us,” he said. “I don’t understand, because we gave them some rocky land and access to water if we don’t use it all, and everything. Sure, we’ve long blockaded Gaza's ports and stopped cross-border shipment of needed supplies, creating a humanitarian crisis well before the current fighting began, but we have to protect ourselves.”

So there you have it. All sides of the story, reported dutifully directly to you, unfiltered. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for the liberal elitist media to do. Except for the one “fair and balanced” network, and they’re from the center. You never hear from the right, hardly. What’s up with that?

Anyway, this is Joe the Plumber, reporting from Israel. Hope to be home in civilization soon. God bless America and still-president Bush!

Obama Invites GOP to White House for “Healing”

Invitation says ‘Come on over after the Inauguration, let’s patch things up’

President-Elect Barack Obama continued with his “unification” theme this week by sending invitations to all congressmen, Republicans and Democrats, for a “bipartisan healing,” scheduled for the day after his inauguration.

An Obama aide, speaking anonymously, said the idea was to “get past all the pent up emotion and bad feelings” between the rival parties, so that “we could move toward real unity.” “It fits in perfectly with Mr. Obama’s wide-ranging administration appointments thus far, and the forgiving nature of the president-to-be, vis-a-vis Joe Lieberman and so on,” said the source.

The aide went on to explain that, “We want it to be a real nice gathering, to start out on a friendly footing with the Republicans. You know, Barack wants to forgive and forget all those silly things that were said about him being a radical terrorist and what not. We feel the Republicans will come around, once they see that we mean them no harm.”

According to Republicans who have talked about it, the invitation asks them to bring their spouses, and a list of “everything you fear or dislike about Democrats.” Presumably, Democrats were asked to do the same about their Republican counterparts. Later, there apparently is to be a ceremony, where a “few words of reconciliation” will be pronounced, after which members of both parties will burn their lists in a fire scented with petiole oil, saying a little prayer, and “giving up the bad vibes to the universe.”

There are rumors that certain controversial figures from the left and the right who do not hold office may be invited as well. Names that were mentioned were Bill Ayers from the left – the controversial figure from Chicago whose name became so familiar to voters thanks to Sarah Palin – and Rush Limbaugh from the right, the acerbic talk radio host. A special padded room was planned to be set aside for those two to “work things out.”

“Barack Obama is an optimist at heart, and he asks, ‘why can’t we all just get along?’” said the Obama aide, adding, “and we say, sure, why not? Let’s share our deepest feelings, start out fresh – and maybe then we can get something done for the country.”

Bush Pardons Self & Everyone He Knows Forever

Says he knows they’d never do anything bad

Still-president George W. Bush announced today that he is issuing a blanket pardon for everyone he’s ever been associated with, or knew in high school. “I consider myself a great judge of characterness,” he said, “and therefore I wish to save our overburdened justice system from any unnecessary work load.”

The blanket pardons will extend into perpetuity, according to the text of the document he signed. It reads, in part, “I, George W. Bush, still president and still the decider, hereby pardon everyone I’ve ever known for anything they might have done, or are doing now, or will ever do in the future.”

The document lists over a thousand names, but adds, “If I’ve forgotten anyone, please pardon me, (heheheh). But if you can prove you’ve ever talked to me for more than five minutes, you are officially pardoned for what I assume are just momentary lapses, or mistakes, although I wouldn’t know what a ‘mistake’ is.”

“Hey, I’ve done a few of them indiscretions myself in my life,” he said after the signing, “back in what I like to call my ‘indiscretionary period’ – but just think about it. If I had been saddled with a police record, I never would have been elected – or even selected by the Supreme Court – to be your president.” As he turned to leave, he added, “Just think about that for a moment!”

Entire Wal-Mart Store Trampled in New Year’s Sale Buying Spree

Humor Times Exclusive

They thought it couldn’t get any worse than the “Black Friday” trampling deaths of three people in a Wal-Mart at Green Acres Mall in Valley Stream, NY, on November 28th. However, on New Year’s Day, at the Lampasas, TX Wal-Mart, all hell broke loose.

Witnesses say it was like a “human tsunami,” as wave after wave of frenzied shoppers, trying their best to get a good deal in this tight economy, overran employees, killing 18, before finally overwhelming the structure itself. The final death toll is not yet known.

Police estimate there were over 10,000 price-conscious shoppers, who, after bursting through the glass doors minutes before official opening time, crammed in so tight that the pressure actually weakened the walls, as the huge mass of bargain-starved humanity bulged them outward.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Annie Bizyclerk, who luckily arrived late for her shift, “I got here, and thousands and thousands of deal-hunting consumers were stampeding their way into the store. I was scared, but went around the back to the associate – that is, the employee – entrance, and then...” Her voice trailed off. Regaining her composure, she went on, “Then, I felt the ground begin to shake, and the building started to crumble. It was just awful. Now where can I work, for slave wages, 60 hours a week, with no overtime and no health benefits?”

After the collapse, police say they did their best to round up people who had survived to get them to the hospital. “But they were running away, holding beat-up packages, some of them with obviously broken bones and bad injuries,” said Officer James L. Resturorder, adding, “I guess they got their bargains.”

“Hey, I’ve been in line since yesterday morning, and put up with bricks and crap falling all over me, so I deserve this!” said Roger Deelsarkule, one of the lucky shoppers, having actually survived and in possession of a deluxe gas barbeque set he was rolling home. “And I didn’t want to roll this heavy thing over those people’s heads, they just got in the way.” A minute or so later, Deelsarkule was arrested by police swarming the scene.

Wal‑Mart, in a statement issued at its headquarters in Bentonville, Ark., said, “The safety and security of our customers and associates is our top priority. We offer our thoughts and prayers for them and their families at this tragic time, at no extra charge. Surviving associates are reminded that they are to report for work in the morning, where other associates will patch you up so you can get back to work without wasting time on needless medical care.”

Palin Greets “New Year of Possibilities”

Alaska Governor looks ahead

After a breakout year that saw Alaska Governor Sarah Palin rise to star status in the Republican party, she is looking forward to a “new day for true believers in freedom across this great land of America.”

While many in Alaska just wish she’d come home and tend to her duties as governor, Palin continued to stoke national fame in what some believe is a bid for the Senate in 2010.

“That ol’ Senator Ted Stevens, bless his heart, he tried, but those dumb ol’ partisan politics, ya know, they just did him in,” she said at a New Year’s Eve celebration in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Asked why she didn’t go to a bigger city to celebrate, she explained she prefers “the heartland, part of the real America, that gets it, where they don’t go around palling with terrorists and things.”

“Some of those liberal pundits like to say I’m just out doin’ this kinda stuff like celebratin’ with down-home folks here in Tulsa ’cuz I love the national limelight,” Palin said, “but that’s just more liberalness. Would I like to win Stevens’ seat back for the GOP? You betcha! Will I run in 2010? If you believe that, all I gotta say, is I got a bridge to nowhere to sell ya!”

Asked if she may actually run for Senator in another state, like Oklahoma, for example, Palin responded, “Anyone who thinks I’m travelin’ around, meeting up with the good folks of this state, here in the heartland of America, for selfish reasons is sadly mistaken. It’s only those good ol’ altruistic feelings of mine, deep in my heart, full of love for America, and feelin’ feelings of lovingness for my Republican fans, bless their little hearts, and the need of all of us, and the economy bein’ in such sad shape and all, and with my expertise in the area of energy, what with all that stuff goin’ on around these issues, and so on, which is why I want to stand up for America.”