Banks to Join With Wall Street to Purchase New Government

Old one causing ‘buyer’s remorse,’ say CEOs

Humor Times Special Report

NEW YORK – CEO’s from the nation’s top banks and Wall Street financial firms confirmed rumors today that they plan to purchase a “brand new government” to replace the old one.

“We recognize that things just get old and break down after a while,” said Goldman Sachs CEO Gerald Corrigan, “and rather than continue to poor hundreds of millions into a bad product, we’re business savvy enough to know that we need to roll out a brand new model.”

The plan is to design a “low maintenance brand” that will streamline the process of creating laws that are “good for business and for persons – corporate persons, that is,” according to the new “Contract on America” the group has published, the title a play on the old 1994 Republican “Contract with America” promoted by Newt Gingrich.

“We know Americans are impatient with this Congress and this president,” Corrigan said, “and for good reason. The Democrat party can’t do anything, even with their big majority, always complaining about filibusters and such.” With the “shiny new, and very small” government, he said, there won’t be any need for “time-wasting congressmen” – CEO’s will just draft laws themselves and implement them, thereby “cutting out the middlemen.”

“We’ve been running former CEOs for all the top posts, like governors, etc,” he said, “but it’s a messy process that is taking too long. We need action now. Americans trust business, and they’ll be happy with the new arrangement – I guarantee it. We can back that up, enforcement-wise, with our new security teams, like Xe [Blackwater], which will replace the army and police."

Obama to Make Mel Gibson Gov’t Intermediary to BP

‘Tell ’em what we really think of their fake top hats, Mel!’ prez orders

A Humor Times exclusive

WASHINGTON – Saying that no one else can tell off a lying cheater like Mel Gibson can, the president today announced he is making Mel Gibson his administration’s intermediary to BP.

“Since the first barrel of oil started spewing out of that hell hole in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico,” a visibly angry President Obama bellowed, “BP has done nothing but lie to us, just like Mel Gibson’s girlfriend. We’ve all heard how he put her in her place, now I’ve asked him to do the same with BP.”

“Sure, he slings racial epithets around like nobody’s business, but I’m gonna overlook that,” the president explained. “After all, this is dirty business. We need someone who’s not afraid to look and sound like a sociopath. We need someone to scare the crap out of BP.”

Asked if that wasn’t the president’s job, Obama said he was simply not suited for the task. “Everyone knows I’m just too goddamned even tempered,” he said.

Obama said they’ve got a plan B ready. “If a Gibson tirade doesn’t work, I’ll tell BP Mel will make a movie where he stars as BP’s Tony Hayward. That ought to do it. Their company’s image would never recover.”