All Environmentally Sound Energy Projects Put on Hold Pending Environmental Review

Bush administration sites “ecological concerns”

A Humor Times Special Report

DENVER – Faced with mounting numbers of proposed alternative energy plants, the federal government has placed a moratorium on all such projects until it studies their environmental impact. While the projects themselves are seen by many as imperative in the face of predicted ecological collapse, the administration says it wants to be sure that “the cure is not worse than the disease.”

“We’ve finally learned from environmentalists that impacts must be carefully assessed,” explained Bureau of Land Management (BLM) project manager Linda Resseguie, “and we want to start out on the right foot with alternative energy. Besides, we’ve got all that oil just off the coasts we could use up while we study this thing.”

Asked if the risks associated with drilling off the coasts wouldn’t be worse than wind or solar plants, Resseguie said, “We’ve got decades of experience in oil spill cleanup, but we’re novices at building solar plants in the desert. There are dangers we’re only beginning to comprehend here, like too much shade affecting lizards, gopher holes getting stepped on, and the like.”

The fledgling solar industry is crying foul, saying this is the time to ramp up solar investment, and that stalling will stunt the growth an industry poised to expand. But administration officials answer that they’ve got nothing to worry about. “Their day will come. Those tree-hugging sun worshipers ought to just take a nice drive in their Hummers and enjoy the smoggy sunset,” said Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) Administrator Stephen Johnson. “After all, we can’t risk more stress on the economy right now,” he said, adding, “Our economic security is dependent on oil companies making record profits, since we need them to beef up our sagging GDP as much as possible.”

“We’ve got a world to save,” offered Vice President Dick Cheney, eyes squinting from the bright sunlight, as he crawled out of his undisclosed location near CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia. “And we don’t need these namby-pamby greenies getting in the way,” he said, shading his eyes, “we’ve been studying climate change for three decades, they can wait a few more years for more studies on this blasted sun. Bring me my sunglasses, dammit!”

Asked if the environmental groups aren’t also doing their part to try to save the world, Mr. Cheney retorted, “Sure, they’re trying, but their problem is they just don’t have a clue. Look, you can’t run an army on solar power. Neither can you save the world with a windmill. It’s simple – extract all the oil you can first, so that we have the fuel to run the trucks that deliver the solar panels. See?”

“Well, I guess we do need gas to get the equipment in place,” conceded Holly Morton of Sunny Solutions, a solar thermal energy company in Palo Alto, California. “Because it would be a tough slog on bicycles in the desert. Once again, Dick shows why he’s the man,” she said, locking up the office and heading for her Prius. “I guess we’ll just stop building solar plants for now – I mean, what’s the rush?” she asked, as the temperature reached a record 120°, the drought worsened and the radio blared dire warnings of rare killer tornadoes for the area.

Republicans Promote “Giant Dome” Bill

Humor Times special report

Republicans stood in lock-step recently to filibuster S.3036, the Climate Change Bill, saying they had “a better idea.”

“Democrats think in terms of restricting people and business. We think expansively, creatively, and that’s the big difference voters need to see,” said Senator James Inhofe (R-OK), author of the Giant Dome Bill, S.3037.

“Why not build a giant dome over the United States?” asked Sen. Inhofe. “Not only would it allow us to regulate our own climate, but it would also keep out the rising sea levels – just in case the scientists got lucky and their crazy global warming theories happen to be right. In fact,” he added, “we could end up having the world’s largest aquarium – the length of both our coasts! Talk about a boon to the economy, just when we need it!”

“We shouldn’t sacrifice our economic future for virtually no environmental gain,” said Bob Barr, the Libertarian Party candidate for president, referring to the climate change bill. Barr has always been a Republican, but he changed parties this year to run for president, saying, “I know a sinking ship when I see one.”

When asked how the dome would be cooled, and if it would trap pollutants inside, Barr said, “Obviously, we’ll have to air condition it. And that will create even more pollution. But we’ll vent it outside the dome. Let the rest of the world deal with it, we have our own problems.”

Inhofe’s plan has garnered strong support from nearly all Republicans. Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS) said it “makes a lot of sense, especially if you can’t stand to vote with the Democrat party.” Given the choice, he said, “I’d rather vote for a crazy scheme put forth by a Republican than any idiotic thing a Dem would dream up. Besides, the science just isn’t there.” Pressed for details, he said he goes by 1980 science, “because the new stuff hasn’t been around long enough to stand the test of time.”

In related news, when asked how he felt about Bob Barr’s sudden departure from the Republican party, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) answered, “I don’t hold it against him. After all, who wants to run as a Republican these days? Besides, those Libertarians have been getting rather incoherent – Barr will guide them back to sanity.”