McGwire Admits He Would’ve Hit More Homers Without Steroids

Says he took them for health and just to be ‘one of the guys’

A Humor Times exclusive

In a public admission recently, Mark McGwire finally came clean on his steroid use, which included the 1998 season, when he hit a record at the time of 70 home runs. But today, he stunned sports reporters and fans alike by candidly admitting it had actually lowered his home run production.

“I always knew this day would come, but I didn’t know when. Eventually, I knew I’d have to get this huge burden off my back,” said a sometimes tearful McGwire. “It’s time I was truthful with America and with myself: I took steroids and I’m sorry. I disappointed so many fans who expected more out of me.”

In an interview, McGwire said the steroids did not help him hit more home runs. On the contrary, he said, it “obviously slowed me down.” “The bulging muscles were fun for showing off to the ladies, but they just got in the way when I was trying to hit” he offered, adding, “I’m sure I would’ve gone way past what Barry Bonds did if I’d just stayed clean.”

McGwire maintained that he only took steroids for health issues and to be “one of the guys” – “Everyone was doing it, at least everyone I hung out with, and I just wanted to fit in. How could I know?” he asked, quietly beginning to sob.

“Man, I miss those times, though,” he mused. “The season that I set the home run record – it went by in a haze. All the press attention, the adoring crowds, the ’roid rage – I felt like a king! But it didn’t help me hit home runs, nope... not at all.”

“I was such a great hitter, I think that baseball should overlook the steroid use in my case, since it only slowed me down. I should be in the hall of fame,” McGwire insisted. “And I’ll make it easy on major league baseball by not even mentioning my use of speed, cocaine and the occasional PCP and ecstasy binges.”

Wall Street Firms, Banks Agree: Times Never Better

Calls for another ‘profitable crisis for America’ mount

A Humor Times exclusive

Wall Street and the major banks have joined together to call for another economic crisis, since the recent one “worked so well,” according to sources.

“Our economy has had a miraculous recovery,” said Lloyd Blankchek, CEO of Goldman Sachs in a press conference today, “and our company, along with other heroes of Wall Street, say let’s not mess with success – in these times, any formula that works should be duplicated, if possible.”

Indeed, the crisis and the bailout that followed it resulted in a bonanza year for Goldman Sachs, which in 2009 set aside a record $16.7 billion to pay its workers, or about $700,000 per employee. “And that’s just chump change,” said Blankchek, “with our talent, we can do even better – with the right stimulus.”

Not all companies agreed totally with Blankchek’s strategy, however. Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis said that a “regular, recurring” crisis with accompanying bailouts was the “more secure strategy going forward.”

“What we need is a way to assuage the uncertainty of critical players in the financial marketplace, so as to allow them to do their jobs with more confidence,” said Lewis, “so I propose a regularly scheduled crisis/bailout scenario. It just makes sense for America.”

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner agreed that some sort of ongoing plan was needed, saying, “Wall Street is America, and we need to provide for its long term survival – after all, how can we ask these heroes to get by without obscenely huge bonuses to motivate them? Besides, I won’t be in this crummy job forever, and when I go through that revolving door – just like any American – I want some job security.”