God Now Twittering

Says Dalai Lama's tweets are 'amateur' and that He’s making popcorn and watching March Madness

HEAVEN – The Christian God began “Twittering” yesterday – a way of blogging very short posts, using an internet connection or a mobile phone. And in His very first Tweet, the Lord sayeth, “If the Dalai Lama can do it, I can do it,” adding, “Being the Almighty, I can go over 140 characters anytime I damn well please, I hope you know, pe...” before his post was cut off.

Religious scholars debated the ramifications of the Supreme Being’s new line of communication to mankind, some postulating that it could have negative consequences for the economy, as it would put preachers and prophets out of work, and possibly even diminish people’s need for churches.

“We will see preachers taking up the practice of twittering, just to stay relevant,” said Norman Holimeister, professor emeritus at Harvard Divinity School. “After all, if they claim a special connection with God, they can’t very well let laymen get the edge on them.”

According to Holimeister, part of God’s motivation to twitter may even be competitive. To support this view, he noted that five minutes after the Dalai Lama twittered, “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions,” God tweeted, “I made humans inherently happy, if you can’t keep it, that’s just plain karma, ok, people? ROCL!” (Twitter experts said this was probably a variation on the popular acronym ROFL, this one translating as “Rolling on clouds laughing!”)

In another post, the all-seeing deity, apparently still watching the NCAA basketball tournament, said, “Gawd, I sure gave these kids some hops, didn’t I? It’s downright nasty!” As a result of His basketball posts, a barrage of tweets have recently been posted that read like prayers (now being called “Twayers”), such as this one from hoopsman342: “Oh, God, please bless me with another 3 inches of lift, and I’ll be dunking hard with some freaky hang time!”

According to twitterholic.com, God shot up to a #1 worldwide ranking within just six hours of his first post. “He may be a Twewbie [a newbie on Twitter], but this is not altogether surprising,” said Jeremiah Yang, Senior Analyst on Social Computing for Forrester Research in Silicon Valley, California. “After all, He has always been a very popular figure. People just want to know what’s on His mind.”

Reported by Holy Joe, Humor Times spiritual correspondent

Republicans Eschew ‘Country First’ Motto

New slogan ‘Failure IS An Option’ a better fit, they say

A Humor Times exclusive report

WASHINGTON, DC – The GOP was forced to retract its “Country First” motto today, first rolled out during Senator John McCain’s presidential campaign last year. Noting that it “contradicts” their current strategy, Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) said, “In our effort to come up with a unified plan going forward, we decided to replace the now-irrelevant motto with our new one, ‘Failure IS An Option.’”

“It’s a new day, and a new challenge for the party,” said Boehner, “and we must convey our message to the American people clearly. The new slogan says to America, ‘Yes, we can fail, and it’s ok.’”

The Republican congressman maintained that “failing is the best way to succeed” in this new political climate, insisting that “by failing now, the nation will see that Democrats suck, and that there is no choice but to return to Republican rule, no matter how distasteful it may seem.”

Although painful in the short term, a massive failure by the Obama administration would allow the GOP to “pick up the pieces,” said Rush Limbaugh, the current de facto leader of the party, on his daily radio show. Limbaugh told listeners that Republicans must return “this lost and confused nation” to a “fiscally sound strategy of tax cuts for the rich, and a real, kick-ass stimulus strategy, consisting of a continuous war footing and empire building to put people to work in real careers – not these namby-pamby, eco-terrorist, solar fantasy jobs.”

“It’s time the American people woke up from their unrealistic dreams of ‘hope’ and returned to reality here. Obama is evil, Republicans are good – it’s really that simple,” Limbaugh shouted, adding, “Enough of the charade! Bring it on. Bring on the new depression, that’ll wake these dreamers up!”