Palin Heals the Sick, Raises GOP from the Dead

Says she’s ready to bring peace & prosperity to world

WASILLA, AK – Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who many Republicans hail as the second coming of the Virgin Mary, sans the virgin part, says she is “ready to lead America into the promised land” and usher in the “1,000 year era of peace and prosperity promised in the Bible,” as vice-president.

“The Lord has anointed me, and I humbly accept my new role,” she said in a rare press conference. Since the GOP convention in early August, Palin has been in near-isolation from the press, as she undergoes what her handlers termed “brainwashing – in the sense that she had an unclean brain. You know, she’s a pretty wild gal underneath.”

Empowered by her triumphant speech at the convention, Palin seemed inspired, saying, “This is a mission from God, and like the Blues Brothers, I will see it through to fruition, no matter what the evil Democrat party throws at me – tomatoes, beer bottles, it don’t matter – they can’t touch this.”

Senator John McCain stood at her side during the announcement, saying afterwards that he was “very proud” and ready to carry out his part of the “divine mission” by getting into the White House, “and after that, well, the Lord works in mysterious ways, my friends.”

Palin did not answer questions after her prepared remarks, but did heal several cripples with her steely gaze, before being ushered off the stage by her staff. When McCain was asked why she won’t face reporters, he answered, “If you believe, all you need to know was in her statement. For the unbelievers, only time, and perhaps Armageddon, will convince them.”

Palin did touch on a wide range of issues in her statement, saying that her daughter’s pregnancy is “proof that abstinence-only education works – after all, she’s almost 18,” and that while some say she exercised “choice” in deciding to carry the baby, it was actually “the will of God, like the war.”

On education, Palin said “our libraries are wonderful storehouses of knowledge, and as vice-president, I will work to cleanse them of heretical books, insuring that our children will not have to waste time sorting out the truth.” She called books on evolution “the lies of the devil Darwin” and said the shelf space left by their removal would be filled with bibles under a McCain-Palin administration.

Palin touched on her “reign as governor” in Alaska, saying that “although it never seceded from the U.S. as we in the Alaska Independence Party had hoped,” she, like all Republicans, always put her country first. “And that country would have been named ‘Divine Alaska,’” she added.

She ended her statement forcefully, saying, “The looney left has had their opportunity these last two years in Congress – and look where it has gotten us. We’re tired of filibustering. Vetoing isn’t good enough. No more. It’s time for us to take back this country – we shall not be led astray, not if this beauty-pageant moose-hunting hockey mom has anything to say about it!”

Global Warming Declared Big Success

As Arctic opens up, Bush declares “Mission Accomplished”

Still-President George W. Bush declared “Mission Accomplished” today in the fight to open up more oil fields. “The melting arctic ice will open access to one third of proven reserves,” Bush said at a White House press conference, siting a new report by the US Geological Survey, “which are reserves we desperately need – to power hundreds of millions of air conditioners through the next century, thus reducing the inconvenient truth of discomfort during our global warming campaign.”

“The advantages of this new oil source are obvious. Instead of having to fight seasoned terrorist nations, all we have to do is convince the Canadians to let us have the oil off their northern coasts,” said Bush in response to a query about legal ownership of the Arctic oil fields, “and we all know how accommodating those Canucks can be, eh?”

In prepared remarks at the press conference, EPA Administrator Stephen Johnson said, “Now you see why I was not interested in catering to liberal whiners’ demands to regulate greenhouse gases – that would have only delayed this essential progress.”

Asked about the threat to polar bears, Johnson replied, “We’ve planned ahead for that. With the huge supply of new fuel, we will be able to create a new polar bear reserve. By installing refrigerator coils beneath one of the big ice chunks that are breaking off, we can keep it frozen for them.”

Republicans in Congress have rushed to embrace the new study, saying it validates Bush’s long-term strategy.
“Finally, near the end of this great president’s term in office, we can see he was right all along,” said House minority leader John Boehner, adding, “this is great news as we approach the elections – our party is vindicated! Global warming will free us from oil supply constraints. I’d like to hear environmentalists debunk this one!”

Democrats were more subdued, claiming it will only delay the inevitable need to build up the nation’s alternative energy capacity.

“This doesn’t change anything. We’re still the party of the people, and by that I mean the people lobbying for the oil industry, who should tell their clients to send all their political campaign donations to us,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, “since we don’t have any qualms about drilling in the Arctic – that ain’t our coast, after all.”

Defeating Wasp Army Living In Pillows Top Issue Among Schizophrenic Voters

By Humor Times Senior Schizophrenic Correspondent Jonathan Crockett

A survey released today by the Getty Research Institute found that schizophrenic voters are most concerned about a growing army of incessantly buzzing wasps which inhabit their pillows at night. Defeating this insect army and finally getting a good night’s sleep has become the key issue on which these voters are concentrating.

“The finding did come as a bit of a surprise,” said Getty Research analyst Jim Paulson. “The wasp army has surpassed several hot button issues which previously typified schizophrenic concerns- topics which included the government’s nefarious monitoring of thoughts via microwave ovens, the amplified voice of Ed McMahon encouraging murder played on a continuous loop throughout the house, and disembodied tongue syndrome.”

Aside from the immediate inconvenience of interrupted sleep, there is a growing fear among many schizophrenics that the wasp army will eventually break free of their billowy confines, infiltrate the ear canal and create a brain nest from which they will control their host’s every action while creating a cacophony of buzzing through which no other sound can penetrate.

“Once they’ve reached the brain, all bets are off,” stated Nancy Turbin, a schizophrenic who participated in the survey. “My concerns about radio active soda cans and razor sharp grass blades have by no means disappeared but the wasp army is a much more pressing issue. How can we possibly maintain enough energy to thwart the mailman’s attempts at mind control if our sleep is constantly being interrupted by stings to the face? Schizophrenics need a candidate who is serious about solving this problem.”

Heeding the call of voters like Mrs.Turbin, both Barak Obama and John McCain have started to court the nearly 2.5 million strong schizophrenic demographic. The two have vastly differing opinions on how to deal with the rouge army. Obama has so far not ruled out diplomacy, stating he’d be willing to have talks on a conditional basis with the wasps’ leaders. This plan has drawn fire by the McCain camp which supports increased sanctions and possible military/bug spray intervention.

Senator McCain suffered harsh criticism on this issue earlier in the week when a senior advisor called the wasp army “an invasion of the mind” and suggested that schizophrenics are “whiners.” McCain quickly condemned the remarks and stated he did not share or condone his advisor’s views.

Despite this setback, McCain is holding a slight lead over Obama among schizophrenic voters. A recent AP Gallop poll found 38% of schizophrenics felt Senator McCain was best equiped to deal with the wasp army, while 32% favored Obama and a surprising 30% sided with an invisible closet angel.

“McCain has military experience and a proven track record in similar situations,” said Tim Leskin, a long time schizophrenic and McCain supporter. “We all remember the leadership he displayed during the gamma-ray-shooting-television incident of ’92 and the sunflower invasion of ’03.”

Other core issues among schizophrenic voters in 2008 include: air conditioners spewing scentless poisonous gases; melting of the teeth; electrified toenails; and the spying neighbor across the street who can see through walls.