List of Prohibited Entities Grows Around Ground Zero

Fronts for Mexican invasion, British takeover, must be thwarted, says group

The "Ground Zero Mosque" controversy around the site of the Twin Towers memorial in New York seems to have sparked a national soul-searching, as people debate just what is appropriate around the "hallowed ground," as many refer to it, and what is not.

Since protests have grown against the "mosque" (not actually a mosque, but a proposed Muslim-run community center open to the public, and not actually at "ground zero," but several blocks away), others have raised the specter of new threats. Indeed, some have called for a special zoning committee to be formed to decide what exactly, can be built, and where.

"It is clear we can't just let anyone build anything on such hallowed ground," said half-term governor and tea party darling Sarah Palin. "And we all know what evil their leader Feisal Abdul Rauf has been planning for 25 years, in the mosque they’ve already had there all this time, since before the Towers were even built. Just think how far along they are with their hate-America takeover plans!"

But Palin didn't stop there. She has founded a group called "The Grizzly Moms’ Keep Hallowed Ground Pure Lipstick-Wearing Watchdogs" (GMKHGPLWW), and claims that there are many enemies of freedom lurking near the site. Enemies that are looking to get a foothold there because, "Once they take root in that hallowed ground, they will take root in the soul of America and in her fragile, pure psyche -- and that, my friends, will be the start of the beginning of the end."

Palin's new group has released a report, listing businesses, centers, schools and places of worship planned or existing within a six-block radius of the site which they deem suspicious and dangerous.

The list, entitled “Organizations With Possibly Evil Intent On Ground Zero That Must Be Stopped,” includes:

- Taqueria Cancun, because it is “a front in a planned Mexican invasion.” As the report says, "They chose New York because the nation is focused on Arizona right now."

- The Bitter End, a British pub, because "they’re obviously Bitter, and they are planning the End of America as we know it, making it a British colony again."

- A YMCA, because "everyone knows they're totally gay, and they want to turn New York totally gay."

- A Chicago-style pizzeria, because "New York is Rob Blagoiavich's next target."

- A 24 Hour Fitness Gym, because "It's a mighty convenient place where the terrorists can train and get in shape, 24 hours a day."

New, Improved Dispersant Released for Gulf and Beyond

Makers say new CorrectsIt® ‘will disperse all doubt’

The Nalco Company, makers of the dispersant Corexit® that was used by BP in the Gulf of Mexico to disperse oil, announced today a rollout of a “vastly improved” version of the chemical that will “disperse all doubt in anyone’s mind about its effectiveness,” said Nalco CEO Erik Fyrwald.

According to the company, the new dispersant “almost magically disperses oil from the environment,” and it can even be applied over cities and towns to disperse doubts. “This exciting new formula will wipe away anxiety in a way similar to mood-altering remedies like Prozac or Zoloft, except it doesn’t need a prescription,” said an excited Sam Freebuzz, a spokesman for Nalco. “The FDA approved its widespread use, right after we sprayed a little on them.”

Skeptics were very vocal about its quick approval by the FDA, saying the chemical should go through normal channels like any other. University of Georgia scientist Richard Camilli, at a press conference on campus today, disputed Nalco’s claims, saying the dispersant “does not magically disappear the oil, it hides it, just like Corexit.”

He went on, as Nalco representatives entered the room through a back door, saying, “It is simply preposterous that this new formula could be so quickly approved for spraying over large populations... that’s just... wow, the air is SO fresh in here... what was I saying? Everything is fine, no worries!” The Nalco employees were then reportedly seen leaving, while tucking small spray bottles in their jackets.

Back at Nalco headquarters, Fyrwald said, “Being that everything is going digital these days, we are also introducing an online companion to CorrectsIt, which we call CorrectsIt 1.0.” According to Fyrwald, the software will crawl the internet and “correct” any “misinterpretations” of the new chemical “to avoid confusion in the minds of Americans.” It can also be applied to voting machine software, he noted, “to correct any unfortunate results caused by misinformed citizens, inadvertently electing the wrong people -- misguided do-gooder candidates who might impede progress on these important issues.”

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