Obama: U.S. Too Big to Fail

Reassures “nattering nabobs of negativity”

CHICAGO, IL - With the U.S. economy seemingly disintegrating right before our eyes, President-elect Barack Obama is anxious to get his new team to work on the problem. Obama has selected the “best and the brightest,” many of whom have served under Clinton in the past and have been “intimately involved” in riding the economy “to hell in a handbasket” as one aide put it, who wished to remain anonymous.

“Neither bankruptcy nor forced reorganization is the right prescription for these troubled mega-corporations,” said Tim Geithner, Obama’s pick for Treasury Secretary, adding, “they need our help to maintain their way of life.”

“Now, we’ve asked that the auto companies come up with a plan to save themselves,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D‑NV, “we’re not just going to hand over 35 billion dollars with no plan, that’s crazy talk.” Asked about bank bailouts, he said, “As far as Citibank goes, we’re ready to dump another 300 billion on them right now.”

Pressed for details, Reid was brief. “Citibank already has a plan, and we’re satisfied with it,” he said. According to a top Citibank executive, that plan consists of layoffs, incantations, strident pleas and throwing themselves on the kind mercies of Hank Paulson.

Even after accepting hundreds of billions in bailout funds, Citibank and other banks still hold hundreds of billions in toxic paper. “No problem,” said Geithner, “we’ve got new technologies for cleaning up toxic waste – did you know that certain forms of bacteria can eat that stuff and produce clean water? Amazing.”

However, despite Geithner’s upbeat appraisal of the situation, many top economists are forecasting gloom and doom. “Things are not looking good,” said two-time Nobel-prize winner and former chief economist of the World Bank, Joseph Stiglitz, adding, “if we don’t empty our wallets right now for these poor CEOs, bankers and speculators, we’re all toast.”

But Obama continued to insist that there is hope. “We must remain optimistic, as we look to the future and work together to build trust once again,” he said, toting a duffle bag as he walked out of his own bank, after withdrawing everything he had in it. “I’m confident we can turn it around, after all, the U.S. is simply too big to fail. I’m sure the Chinese feel the same way, and they have the added incentive of needing to keep their biggest asset – us – afloat.”

Plaxico Burress Not Faster Than Speeding Bullet

‘Still faster than any other receivers, bullet in my leg or not’ he claims

Plaxico Burress, wide receiver for defending the Super Bowl champions New York Giants, issued a contrite statement today trying to explain the recent self-inflicted bullet wound which occurred in a New York night club on December 1st.

“I always thought of my self as Superman out there on the field, so I wanted to see if it was true that Superman could outrun a speeding bullet. Guess not,” said Burress. The bullet was made by Plaxico Products, Inc., which also makes many other goods, mostly plastic, and is the wide receiver’s name sake. “My mama always liked their plastic food storage containers, so she named me after them,” he said.

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg said Burress could no longer be considered a hero in the city, saying, “He’s no Superman, and he’s not even in the same league as our Batman. I doubt he could even outrun a speeding train.”

Burress posted $100,000 bail after being charged on one count of being a narcissistic jerk and two counts of second-degree criminal possession of a hand gun, as he did not have a permit for it. If convicted, Burress could face a prison sentence of 3 ½ to 15 years.

Teammate Antonio Pierce, who was with Burress at the night club, said, “Man, the boy’s got no sense. I told him to get a head start on that bullet – hell, Plaxi’s fast, but bullets start out at top speed – you got to get a running head start. I’d a been happy to pop a cap in his ass for him, if he just coulda fished that bisquit out of his sweat pants for me, but he always wants to do everything him self. Besides, he was stinking drunk.”

His behavior may end up costing his team a chance to repeat as NFL champions. The Giants fined and suspended Burress with out pay for the final four regular-season games, which is expected to cost him roughly $206,000 per game check and perhaps a $1 million payment from his signing bonus, and the NFL may suspend him for all of next season. “Hell, I may even have to give up one of my two dozen Ferraris,” said Burress when told the news.

Reported by Humor Times Sports Desk.

Obama Begins Planning Transition to Socialism, Communism

“We earned the political capital, and we intend to spend it,” he says

A Humor Times Special Report

CHICAGO, IL – “With our dramatic victory in the polls on election day, we believe we have a mandate for a complete transition to a communist-socialist system, which we will begin planning for immediately,” said Barack Obama in a controversial speech today. “Obviously, John McCain and Sarah Palin made it very obvious to the voters what I’m all about, and the voters chose change – so change is what they will get,” he roared, to a somewhat dumbfounded audience of Democratic supporters.

According to a central member of Obama’s transition team, John Podesta, “The plan will not disappoint the majority, who, of course, voted for socialism. One of our first steps will be to take an inventory of everyone’s property, so that we may decide who gets what.” Details of the plan, leaked yesterday, indicate that furniture, TVs (including HD widescreen sets), valuables such as jewelry and paintings, cars and even houses will be redistributed “each according to his need.”

The plan also stipulates that people may be assigned new jobs, “according to his or her ability.” “This could mean many bankers and Wall Street types will be reassigned to garbage collection and demolition jobs, as they have proven that they are good at trashing things,” explained Podesta. Other reassignments include: putting Karl Rove on slime detail, helping plumbers with backed-up sewers; sending George W. Bush to the front lines in Iraq to fight the war he loves; and giving Rush Limbaugh a full-time job filling hot air balloons, which will double as a carbon-reduction scheme, since he will replace propane heaters that currently do the job.

In the most controversial tenet of the plan as leaked, salaries would be flattened, with the higher income bracket giving over as much as 80% of its income to the poor, who will see their incomes rise up to 300%. “It’s a new day,” proclaimed Obama in his speech, “and the end of poverty. I ask the rich to please be patriotic and cooperate – you’ve had your time, now it’s everyone’s time.”

Also included in the proposal is the diversion of $3 trillion of the country’s wealthiest corporations’ profits to paying down the national debt, a provision that has been declared “blasphemous” by Republicans. “This will put us on the road to recovery, as the debt has grown to an astronomical $10 trillion under this Republican administration,” said Podesta, adding, “with a strengthened economy and the redistribution if corporate wealth, we should have it paid off within Obama’s first term.”

Republican House Minority Whip Roy Blunt, in his party’s response to the news, declared, “Well, we tried to warn you. I’ll bet you want us back now, don’t you? With our strictly laissez-faire capitalist methods, everyone but the top 1% was on their way to becoming beggars on the street – but at least we couldn’t be called ‘socialists!’”

Tucker Bounds Spins Obama Victory Into Positive For McCain Campaign

by Humor Times Senior Electoral Dysfunction Correspondent Jonathan Crockett

WASHINGTON - In an interview with CNN's Campbell Brown today, McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds called John McCain's defeat in Tuesday's presidential election a "significant setback" to McCain's bid for the presidency, but ultimately a motivational tool.

"John McCain's recent loss in the presidential election has only served to increase his determination to fight on and win the candidacy for President of the United States," said Bounds. "The senator is known throughout Washington and America as a maverick and he won't let something as trivial as a decisive victory by his opponent and an overwhelming public moratorium against his political views and general ideology stand in his way."

Unwilling to accept Bounds' unapologetic attempt at political spin, Campbell Brown pointed out that Senator McCain failed by wide margins to win both the popular vote and the 270 points needed in the electoral college, thereby rendering his bid for the presidency hopelessly and irrevocably lost.

"We'll leave the political math to the pundits, Campbell," retorted Bounds. "Our internal polling still looks strong and we think we've got a better than average shot at winning this thing. John McCain didn't give up after repeated torture and interrogation during his captivity in Vietnam and he's not about to give up in light of the media writing him off and pronouncing Barack Obama the next President of the United States."

During 45 minutes of probing by Brown, Bounds' increasingly evasive responses ranged from pretending not to hear the questions posed, to at one point answering in what was either Swahili or gibberish. The interview concluded with Campaign aides hurriedly carrying Bounds away after plumes of smoke started emanating from his ears and he began repeating "Does not compute. Syntax error," in a robotic monotone.