Bush Pardons Self & Everyone He Knows Forever

Says he knows they’d never do anything bad

Still-president George W. Bush announced today that he is issuing a blanket pardon for everyone he’s ever been associated with, or knew in high school. “I consider myself a great judge of characterness,” he said, “and therefore I wish to save our overburdened justice system from any unnecessary work load.”

The blanket pardons will extend into perpetuity, according to the text of the document he signed. It reads, in part, “I, George W. Bush, still president and still the decider, hereby pardon everyone I’ve ever known for anything they might have done, or are doing now, or will ever do in the future.”

The document lists over a thousand names, but adds, “If I’ve forgotten anyone, please pardon me, (heheheh). But if you can prove you’ve ever talked to me for more than five minutes, you are officially pardoned for what I assume are just momentary lapses, or mistakes, although I wouldn’t know what a ‘mistake’ is.”

“Hey, I’ve done a few of them indiscretions myself in my life,” he said after the signing, “back in what I like to call my ‘indiscretionary period’ – but just think about it. If I had been saddled with a police record, I never would have been elected – or even selected by the Supreme Court – to be your president.” As he turned to leave, he added, “Just think about that for a moment!”