FDA: Protecting consumers from tainted truth

WASH., D.C. - The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) today announced a new campaign to educate the public on the advantages of not being educated about Genetically Modified (GM) foods.

"The public continues to be misled by GM opponents, who irresponsibly post facts about the process on the internet," said acting FDA commissioner Andrew von Eschenbach, M.D. "As you know, our job is to protect the public - usually from bad ingredients in food and drugs, etc. But today we roll out an exciting initiative to also protect their minds, and thereby protect important corporate entities that are helping to feed the world," he added.

The FDA currently forbids GM labeling, "so that consumers will not be misled into making irrational choices," such as avoiding GM foods, according to agency spokesman Fredly Summersault. By banning such labeling, which the FDA considers to be "false and misleading information," the agency is protecting citizens, he said.

Many countries are opposing this US policy, choosing to let people decide for themselves if they want to ingest genetically modified food. "This means that people in the United States and Canada are eating a lot more genetically engineered foods than the rest of the world, resulting in the defacto creation of the largest feeding experiment in human history," said Sam Sinclair of the grassroots organization Food for People by People Who Grow Food for People.

"That is a dangerous policy," insisted Monsanto researcher Dennis Ward. "That is simply spreading irrational fear. Instead of whipping up anti-GM hysteria around the world, these people should just buy our fortified food and quit their whining - they would be healthier for it!" he said, adding, "After all, it's inevitable - the entire world will not only be eating GM food exclusively in 20 years, the Earth itself will become a genetically modified organism, as will all its inhabitants."

Asked about the meaning of the phrase "fortified food," Mr. Ward said, "Simple - we've fortified food with better genes." He went on to explain that although vitamin and mineral-fortified foods were "all well and good," the "ultimate in fortification" is improving the genes themselves. "I mean, what would you rather eat, an average tomato, or a tomato that can add and subtract, do complex algebraic computations and recite Shakespeare? Now that's brain food!" he said.

Opponents, such as the Natural Solutions Foundation, which is on the agency's "watch list," insist that hazards of GM foods outweigh the "unproven" benefits. They site studies such as one published in Nature showing that pollen from B.t. corn caused high mortality rates in monarch butterfly caterpillars; the spread of genetically modified traits to other plant and animal species, resulting in the creation of "superweeds," etc.; the allergic reaction of many people to GM food; and the unexpected and negative impacts these foods can have on human health.

"Ridiculous," said Commissioner von Eschenbach when confronted with these concerns, "those hippies just need a little re-education. 'Frankenfood,' my ass! Send them over - vee have vays of making them see the light!" He then laughed hysterically, while chomping on a potato whose eyes appeared to actually be mammal-like, and wearing glasses as it was reading a book entitled "Let Our People Go."